Return of the juice fast, with a twist

So i have been eating not so well lately and my body is not feeling so good because of it. I was also pleased with the weight i had lost because of the juice drinking. I am still drinking a lot of juice but i am eating far to much (out of boredom). I am planning to add smoothies to my diet to get some fats and fiber in my body. I am starting this right now as well. Which is going to be hard as i am going for pizza with my dad, but i will get by.

So here is the plan for the net 4 days

Wednesday (complete)

8:00 - Strawberry, cashew, honey and raw cocoa Smoothie
11:00 - Apple, cucumber, silver beet, ginger juice
2:00 - Fig
3:00 - 2 handful of dates and cashews
6:00 Strawberry, cashew, and cocoa smoothie (with heaps of ice mixed in!! It-shirts really hot here)
8:00 I ended up eating half a vegan pastry. Oh well!

I also want for an hour's walk :-)

Tv in the air conditioning and a nice icy drink!

Thursday

8:00 Handful of dates
11:00 Green Juice
2:00 Pine apple and ginger juice
5:00 Green Juice

Friday
8:00 Pineapple, carrot and ginger juice
11:00 Banana, avocardo, honey, cashew and flax seed smoothie
3:00 Cucumber, spinach, celery, apple and lime
6:00 Banana, honey, cashew and flax seed smoothie

Saturday
8:00 Chocolate, avocado, banana and date smoothie
11:00 Juice in a water bottle with heaps of ice
6:00 Banana and date smoothie

Sunday
8:00 apple
11:00 Juice in a water bottle with heaps of ice

I WILL STICK TO THIS! (This post was more for my sake and a little motivation to keep it up)

Walnut and Cranberry Pumpkin Triangles

As with all my recipes, this has been tried and tested on many non-vegans or non-vegetarians. This was a major hit! I served these for a light lunch for 8 people. These are very freezable and i will be eating these right through the exam period.

Serves 4 (8 triangles) It is very easy to make more or less.

Ingredients 

1/4 large butternut pumpkin (1/2 a small one)
2-3 sheets of vegan puff pastry (in Australia we have Borg's which i buy at the grocery store)
Handful of dried cranberries
Handful of walnuts (crushed)
1/2 Cup cashews
Sage
Parsley

Method 

1. Soak the cashews in water for 2 -3 hours (if you don't have time don't worry too much) 
2. Cut pumpkin and bake in over for 1 hour at 180c (350c), or until soft.
3. Whilst pumpkin is cooking blend together cashews, sage and 1/2 water until smooth.
4. Next blend the pumpkin into the cashew mix until smooth (or you can mash the pumpkin)
5. Add the parsley, cranberries and walnuts, and mix in
6. Cut the puff pastry into squares and then triangles
   
   
   
    
7. Place some of the mixture on one triangle and cover and seal with another. (you can brush the edges with water because this makes them seal better)
8. Freeze the triangles as you make them (they puff up more if you cook them from frozen)
9. Bake in over for 15 mins, or until crisp
10. Serve

Herb Nut Pate

Holly cow, this is delicious and good for the cows! Finally i found alternative to soft cheeses, or a delicious addition to any platter that doesn't contain dairy or soy.

I introduced this to my dairy loving friends as "nut pâté" as vegan "cheese" would most likely turn people off. This was adapted from several recipes and it turned out beautifully, everyone who tried it loved it. 

Ingredients

2 cups cashews (raw, unsalted)
Sage and thyme or other herbs that you like
1 tbs Lemon juice
1 ts Salt 
1/3 cup Rejuvelac ( i will explain what this is below) 

Equipment 

20 cm x 20 cm of thin cotton (or you can use a clean chux wipe)

Blender or food processor 

Bowls

Rejuvelac 

Rejuvelac is basically the enzymes from sprouted grains. Some people say that it is very good for you as contains probiotics. I used buckwheat to make mine, but many other grains will work. They must be whole, uncooked raw grains though otherwise they will never sprout.

1. Rinse 1 cup of grains
2. Soak in water for 1 hour 
3. Lay on a wet paper towel 
4. Rinse grains every 8 hours until they begin to sprout (this took about a day for me, but the temperature was very hot)
5. Once they sprout place in a mason jar with 1.5 cups of water and cover 
6. When the water is a white color (this only took a few hours for me. If the water smells not very nice you have left it for too long) 
7. That's it!

Herb Nut Pate

1. Soak Cashews in water for 3-5 hours
2. Blend cashews with rejuvelac until smooth 
3. Place in a bowel and cover with cloth 
4. Leave the bowel out of direct sunlight for 1 day (2 days if the temperature is cooler)
5. Blend again adding lemon juice, herbs and salt
6. Shape into desired shape and place on the piece of cotton (or other breathable fabric)
7. Sprinkle with extra herbs and wrap up the mixture 
8. Leave out of direct sunlight for 1 day (or 2 if it is cooler)
9. Unwrap and enjoy!

All the beautiful nuts are heaps better for you than cheese and there are no animal fats! Its also very inexpensive to make and looks and tastes amazing!

Detox week

Now that Tough Mudder is well and truly over I've decided to have a long over due detox week, not only for my body but my mind as well.

So here is the plan for the next 6 days.

Sunday

Eat a clean, fresh, vegetarian diet. (I'm going out for lunch for my grandmothers birthday so a vegan meal may not be possible)

Juggling for 30 mins
Mediation for 30 mins

Going to drink lemon water and peppermint tea for dinner to start to flush out the toxins

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday

Going on a juice fast, drinking only fresh vegetable juice and herbal tea. Maybe I will have some carrot sticks if the hunger pangs get to much!

Juggling for 30 mins
Meditation 30 mins

Thursday and Friday

 Eating a strictly raw vegan diet with plenty of veggies and tea.

Also continuing the meditation and juggling.


I will be posting my favorite juice recipes throughout the week and keep a log of how I am going!

Tough Mudder

My amazing team!

My Tough Mudder expirence was amazing. Everybody on course was so supportive and my team was amazing. For those of you that dont know Tough Mudder is a 20km British military special forces obstacle that is held in many countries around the world to raise money for charity.

If you have the opportunity to participate in this event it is definitely worth it! The pledge is correct in saying that it is not a race, it's a challenge. I faced my fear of heights and electricity on the course and I felt amazing that I completed it when I finished! 

It was tough both mentally and physically, but the atmosphere around you is amazing and I was surprised with what I could do. My team finished in under 3 hours, I never thought I could run 20km in a day, let alone in under 3 hours with obsticals.

It is a difficult course to do and I would recommend strapping anything that might give you some trouble (my knee is giving me a world of pain right now). I did not do any preparation for this event except walking and a little running, and I did not find it that physically demanding that I wanted to pull out at anytime.

I really appreciated the bananas being handed out on course! They made a world of difference.

So what am I taking away from this experience;

1. You can live a mostly vegan life and still do amazing physical activities
2. People are amazing, both mentally and physically.
3. People are amazingly supportive, and you need people to support you to get over obstacles. (I think this is a lovely metaphore for life, and I need to learn that it is ok to ask for help in other situations)

Good times! Thankyou to everyone who was there! You are all amazing!

Cheese

I have had a very long love affair with cheese. Iv always thought cheese is amazing and it is the final food i need to give up to become totally vegan. A few nights ago my friends ordered pizza, i did not order any, but ate a vegan wrap. This didn't stop me polishing off three slices of vegetarian pizza. I keep telling my self that surly cheese is not that bad?

So i started doing my research. Turns out i was wrong.

Background: The history of cheese making

Cheese making has dated back before recorded history. Many myths exist around the discovery of cheese making but the one i like most is that ancient Arabians tided the stomachs of goats filled with goats milk onto their camels and rode out into the dessert and the milk separated and cheese formed. (i will get back to the importance of the stomach later). I must mention that cheese making is also thought to date before this time in Poland as cloth with milk fat residue has been found.

The dairy industry harms cows

I love animals and i believe that cows milk is for calves. The dairy industry do terrible things to cows and calves, like separating parent and child a birth.This separation usually occurs within 3 days, as the longer the calve is with the mother the more distress that will occur. (like having your baby taken from you wasn't distressing enough) They also kill male calves at a very young age for veal as they are not useful for milk. They are fed up on a "milk substitute" as to make sure there mums milk goes towards human consumption.  As well as this dairy cows often live a short.

Cows have a gestation period for 9 months, as soon as they give birth they are often impregnated again as to keep the milk cycle up so they are producing almost all year round.
As well as this most cows do not live for more than 4 years as the milk production decreases and they are culled. There are also other reasons like udder infections and if they become lame.

Cheese production is particularly harmful (and often not vegetarian)

It takes around 10 units of milk to make 1 unit of cheese. That means that the 50g of cheese on your sandwich took half liter of milk to produce. Per capita in Australia it is estimated consumption in 2011/2012 was 13.4 kg that is around 130L of milk per person per year on cheese alone. Source

Not only is the large amount of milk used to produce cheese, but also i was surprised to learn that many cheeses are not even vegetarian. A substance called rennet is often used in the production of cheese. Rennet is found in the stomach of mammals and includes enzymes that coagulate milk and cause it to break up into curds and whey. Rennet is important for animals to break down mothers milk. Rennet from calves stomachs is used to create cheese. The modern method involves placing calves stomachs in an enzyme extracting solution to remove the rennet.

Cheese is bad for you and addictive

Cheese is made mainly casein and fat from milk. It is very high in protein and fat and can be seen as a highly concentrated form of milk. This means that it is not very high in calories, but also very high in other toxins which may be found in milk. This may include hormones, infections, worming injections ect.

Cheese is also very high in saturated fat. In some cheeses 100g contains your daily saturated fat recommendation. This also means that cholesterol is fairly high, so if this is something you are worried about, give cheese the boot. Here is a list of cholesterol in different cheeses.

Casein is a main component to cheese. It is broken down into several substances in the body. Substances produced include casomorphine and opioid peptide. Both of these substances are opioids and have similar effects on the body to morphine or opiates. This is fine if you are a calf as it encourages you to drink more and grow up big and strong, but it is not so good if you are a human. Cheese concentrates these substances and makes it far more addictive than milk.

Another interesting fact that i learnt is that the white layer around solf cheeses such as brie is actually a film of mold that forms. It is not usually harmful, but still its mold.

Good Bye Cheese

I feel that my research has convinced me to say no to next time i am offered mold covered, concentrated cows milk morphine filled with toxins and say yes to better treatment of animals and better health for me.

I will be trying out some different alternatives to cheese over the next week so i will be writing a post when im done.

Most Amazing Healthly "Ice-cream" Ever!!!

Vegan Banana Ice-cream 

I know this is breaking my no non-essential internet rule. But this is essential, it is for the good of all humanity (vegan or health conscious humanity that is)! 

Just had this for lunch, it was amazing. Its really easy to make too!

You will need:

2 Frozen bananas 

Vanilla essence 

Your choice of toppings (i used sugar free chocolate topping)

Put the banana and vanilla in a blender, and blend till smooth.

Spoon into a bowl 

Add sauce

EAT!

Yummo! I ate all of it and don't feel bad at all!

Ok its time for me to get off the internet!

Yummy Vegan Pumpkin and Rice

I was really excited today for a few reasons:

1. My wonderful boyfriend and i had a great golf practice session 
2. I was going up to see my grandfather, who eats mainly vegetarian. This means i can cook a really yummy vegan dinner for him! 
3. I got to cook said dinner in my grandmothers massive kitchen!
   
   

I was thinking about what to cook all day and i ended up mixing a few different recipes together to get a beautiful pumpkin and rice, with broccoli for dinner! You could serve this as a side with meat if you are cooking for someone who wants meat.

Serves 2 (Double all ingredients for 4 people)

Ingredients 

Spiced Rice

1 cup rice

1 red onion

1/4 cup dried cranberries 

1/4 cup pistachios 

Pinch cinnamon 

Pinch nutmeg

1/4 Olives (chopped)

Olive oil

Salt 

Rosemary

Pumpkin

500g - 700g pumpkin (any variety, but i used half a Queensland blue)

Pinch cinnamon 

Pinch nutmeg

Olive oil

Salt 

Rosemary 

Sage

How to make it

Rice

Cook rice as normal 

Fry onion and rosemary in a pan with olive oil

Add other ingredients
Mix in rice

Its as easy as that!

Pumpkin

Preheat oven to 250c
Scrape seeds from pumpkin
Mix the herbs and spices together with some olive oil (use your hands and crush the sage and rosemary)
Rub the mixture on the pumpkin
Wrap the pumpkin in foil and place in the oven
Cook for approximately 45 minuets or until it is easily cut with a knife

Plate up with some veggies and enjoy!

I loved cooking this because of all the different herbs! They smelt amazing! I practiced mindfulness whilst cooking and it felt amazing to become lost in the different smells.

This was my first try at a recipe i hope you enjoy!

Why you should consider a vegetarian or plant based diet

"It is my view that the vegetarian manner of living, by its purely physical effect on the human temperament, would most beneficially influence the lot of mankind." - Einstein 

 I avoid using the word vegan because i find a strict vegan diet hard to follow when eating out with friends or
family. I first decided to try cutting out meat, eggs and dairy after finding out that many of my favorite bloggers practiced some form of vegan diet.
I saw the benefits immediately, i felt happier, healthier and had more energy. As well as this i was helping the environment and i wasn't eating the animals i love.

Here are my reasons why i suggest you try eating vegetarian and cutting out as much egg and dairy as possible. Just try it for a week!

It helps with your well being

I was really amazed how i felt after the first week! My skin looked better, i had more energy and i was altogether happier. I had a lot of assignments at the time, but i felt far less stressed than i usually would have. I began trying new foods and being more aware about what i was eating. 

The reduction in my stress levels and my mood being more stable could probably be attributed to having less refined carbohydrates and sugar and more filling and nutritious foods.  There have also been some studies on how dairy effects the body, but i am not sure what to believe. So maybe less dairy played a part in making me feel better.

It helps the environment

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s need, but not every man’s greed.” - Gandhi

Manufacturing animal products can cause considerable harm to the environment. 

Far less land is needed to support someone on a vegan or vegetarian diet then on a normal diet. I believe that in the next hundred years will we face a global food crisis as there will not be enough usable land to support the ever growing population. As well as this, as the amount of already available farming land decreases, the world will look for other land to use. This would mean an increase on destruction of natural habitats, such as rain forests and other beautiful areas. The answer to this is surly to eat foods which require less land to produce.   

As well as this, the meat, egg and dairy industries produce many greenhouse gasses. Some studies suggest that meat production produces more harmful gasses than all transport combined. I am big on reducing global warming because i love the world the way it is! (I also love skiing and would be very sad of couldn't do this any more)

If you want to know more i suggest you look at this great graphic representation as a place to start.

I would hate it if our world changed so much that animals and plants became extinct, but i would really miss the snow as well!  

Its cheaper 

As a student, this means a lot to me. I couldn't believe how cheap its is to eat vegan. I try and buy fruit and veg that is in season and my grocery bill has halved since then. As well as this all the food i buy seems to keep for ages! I need to go shopping less than once a  week. I really don't have anything else to say on this matter! Its just cheaper!

Reduces cruelty 

I was bought up eating free range eggs and chicken but was oblivious to the suffering of other animals. I do not want to use guilt to try and encourage people to eat vegan by telling them about all the horrible things that happen to animals, but it is pretty bad how cows, chickens, pigs and other animals are treated.

What about dairy? Surly that is fine?

I used to live off dairy. Unhurt, milk, ice cream; i would eat kilos a week. We always here so much about getting our calcium so we should eat lots of dairy, right? Not so much, we can get our calcium from other sources such as broccoli, soy beans and kale.

I have not done much research into the effects of dairy on the human body, but i have found that cutting back as much dairy as i could, my body felt amazing. As well as this i looked into how the the dairy industry treats calf's and i was pretty upset. All living things deserve to live a life at least for a few days. 

What about protein deficiency?

I can say that i believe that there is no reason why vegetarians should be deficient in protein. I eat a lot pf foods that are high in protein, such as my favorite home made hummus and paprika or edamame beans. (if you only take one thing from this blog, make it that next time you are at Japanese order edamame beans! Everyone in my family loves them!)  Have a look here for a far more in depth blog on protein and vegans (its much better than i could do).

My home made hummus!

Try it out! 

I encourage if you are reading this to try going vegetarian for a week and see how you feel! Don't be to hard on your self and explore new foods and different flavors! If you have any questions at all please leave a comment! 

Yummy vegan dumplings, ice tea and lotus tea with my man!

Appreciating your partner

Thinking about why someone is special to you

Me and my man Brad

Often we overlook one of the most important people in our lives. If you are as lucky enough to have someone that cares for you and loves it, is easy to overlook how lucky you are unless you take time to reflect on why they are special to you.

Me and my partner have recently gone through a very rough time, with lots of changes in both of our lives. I admit that i was not the nicest of girlfriends and it is something i am not proud of.

Despite all of this (and a lot of love and affection from him) we have managed to get through and i feel that we are now very happy.

So why is it so important to look after the special person in our lives?
This is something that is different for every person and looking at what you appreciate about your partner can help with your happiness. These are some reasons that are important to me.

Affection 

Almost anyone would say that they enjoy someone being affectionate towards and them and being affectionate back. It is human nature to want people to love and care for you, and a partner can take this to the next level in the way that they treat you. I love my man because he makes me feel special and i can forget what ever issues are going on in my life when he hugs me. I am sure that he likes the same back and i would like to try and be more affectionate towards him.

Someone you can talk to

Not just talking, but being able to tell them anyone. Having a connection with someone that you can to anything to is very special. I can tell him anything, but i often feel that he is not comfortable to say the same to me. I would like to listen to him more and get cranky with so that he safe to tell me anything.

Someone to help you up

I have gone through a very difficult time in my life and he has stood by me no matter what. I wish i has his patience and caring as i feel that he deserves better from me. I would like to think that i have done well to stand by him in his difficult times, but i don't. This is something that i would love to work on.

Well these are some things i care about with my man (there are many more). Taking time out to think about your partner and what they do for you can be a good way to appreciate how much they mean to you. Thinking about this has helped me greatly and i hope it will help other.

Best energy 

Maddy

Being Happier Through Being Grateful

Closeup of a flower

Practicing gratitude is one of the easiest way to end negative thoughts or feeling and practice being less self focused. Focusing on the beauty in everything helps you find connection and appreciation with the world. However it can be difficult to practice gratitude in situations that are less than pleasant. I break up things to be grateful about into thee categories. Situations, the world and people.

Situations

Stars at night. the lines are caused by the movement of the earth. 

I faced a particular challenge in being grateful a few days ago when the fire alarm went off at 4am. I stumbled outside, half asleep, dazed and muttering about who would be cooking at 4 in the morning. Four hundred of us waited out side in the cold (yes i live in a big building), and were then informed that a hot water had burst and we wouldn't get any hot water.

So how can you be grateful in this situation? I went through and made a mental list of all the good things that have come from this situation.
1. The fire alarm could have stopped someone getting hurt by the hot water
2. I met heaps of new people whilst outside
3. The stars where beautiful
4. My hair was really soft after washing it in cold water, ect.




This made me feel me feel much happier about the situation and i no longer felt up set and angry. Thinking about what good might come out of a situation is a great way to let go of the anger you might be feeling about it.

The World

Close up of a dandelion 

Often we get so caught up in our own worlds we forget to look at the big picture. The world around us is amazing. Take sometime to walk and appreciate nature. It helps you relax and be able to step out of your current issues and a self centered world and see that there is beauty everywhere. 

Looking at the nature around you is a great way to relax and appreciate how special life is. I love looking at flowers and bugs close up. Ordinary things like dandelions are special if you take time to notice them. I have included some photos below from a walk to the shops and all the things i noticed.

People

A lotus seed pod, shown to me by pattsie (A hunter gatherer in the NT Australia)

I try and appreciate and accept all people. I find that the best way to appreciate someone is to let them talk and just sit and listen to what ever they have to say. This was very difficult for me to learn as i have very strong views and i enjoy challenging peoples views. I have had to learn to bite my tongue, and it has been very worth it. You make new friends and meet new people if you let your guard down and accept that people will have their own views and you can not change it. 

A good way to do this is ask questions about a new person you have met and see where it takes you. The hardest part about this is rejection, where people obviously don't want to talk to you. I have experienced this several times and it can hurt, but keep trying because creating a connection with new people is very rewarding.

Keep Looking

Bull ants on a light bulb 

Everyday look for situations that you are grateful for. You should feel happier and more relax almost straight away and begin to appreciate how special life is.

Here are some lemons my granddad grew. No particularity reason for them.

Health and Weightloss

My favorite mortal enemies

Ice cream, chocolate and cake batter. They are fine in moderation, but I have not been eating them in moderation. I have a total inability to allow ice-cream to sit in the freezer uneaten. It must be eaten and it must be eaten NOW! I turn into the Ice-cream monster and I am not proud to say I have eaten an entire 2L tub of ice-cream and chocolate syrup in one afternoon of essay writing. (It was light so that makes it ok right?) Im no better with chocolate. Any chocolate, iv eaten chocolate for breakfast. My new vice however is cake batter. I love it! For the last week I have actually made my own cake batter to eat. That’s right, I made the batter and then ate the whole lot! Not once, not twice but seven times. So at the moment my body feels like shit, im down, feel flabby and I want to do something about it.

A little about me

I have never been over weight. I’m 152cm tall and weigh 52kg. (5 foot and 116lb) but I feel that I would be happier and more at home in my body at 45kg (100lb) but my body is very stubborn and does not want to move. So the next few months are an experiment into whether I am genetically set at 52kg, or is that part of my diet.

What has worked for me in the past?

There are many different diets which I have attempted to follow. Calorie restriction, eating 1500 cal a day I would say has been the most successful but the hardest to follow. I also enjoy following a plant based diet as it makes my body feel more alive and I function better. So I would like to try and follow both of these simultaneously over the next 3 months. I have several mini goals I want to try and accomplish day to day over the next bit to see what happens.

Mindful eating

What am i eating?

Mindful eating was introduced to by a Buddhist monk from a monastery from where I used to live in the country. He spoke to me and my friends at the time about how it could take him an hour to eat a sandwich. So what is mindful eating? It can be different for each person, but here is one way I suggest going about it;

1.    Sit alone with no distractions
2.   Take time to look at what you are eating, think about where it has come from
3.  When you take your first bite think about the textures and the flavors whilst you chew
4.  Then begin to focus on your body, relax your muscles, starting with your face and working down from your shoulders and down your back.
5. Think about how the foods makes you feel, both physically and mentally.

This is a form of meditation to do with food and you can do it as little or as often as you want. Paying attention to your food and your body can help stop overeating, as well as making the food more enjoyable. I’m going to attempt to do this at least once a day and see what happens.  

Plant based diet

As I said before, I really enjoy eating a plant based diet and how it makes me feel. I always allow myself exceptions. If I want some ice-cream or yogurt I will have it. If I am desperate for a steak, I will eat a steak. (I do admire vegan, but I find that sometimes my body needs some red meat or fish and I just listen to it). However I would like to start making less exceptions for unhealthy food and trying to get my body to an optimum.

Living without eggs, milk, and meat is nowhere near as difficult as it may seem. Making the transition is easy as long as you are not so hard on yourself. I learnt to love almond milk, carrots, hummus, lentils, chickpeas, soy, fruits, veggies, grains, ect. There is still a wide variety of food to explore. I will talk more about this in a later blog.

Exercise

I try and exercise every day in one form or another. I go to the gym or go for a walk. It’s really not an issue for me, but I what I say is that if you do not exercise it to focus on something you enjoy. Walking, swimming, cycling find something that you can do that makes you happy.

So I will keep updating over the next few months at find out whether I can lose weight and remain there or whether I will be stuck at 52kg forever. 

Too Much Driving!

Today I realised that I had done 25,000 km on my car in 8 months! That’s crazy, no one should drive that much. I love my car a lot, and love traveling to see people as my family lives in many different places, but I think it is time to cut down on the time I spend in the car. The amount of fuel that I have gone through to do 25,000 km is also crazy.

So this week my challenge is to go Monday –Friday without driving. I’m going to pump up my bikes tires, pull out my sneakers, and walk or ride where ever I need to go. Its going to be challenging as my boyfriend lives about 20km away, but there is a bike track so I will have to see how I go!

Will let you know how it goes by the end of the week! 

My first post

Fennel tea and my decision to be happy

I was sitting drinking my tea this afternoon and decided that something had to change. My outlook on life had to be different. I was sick of not being organised, not having any friends and always feeling sorry for my self. So what am i going to do? Write a blog!

 

Blogs for me seem to be things that i never come back to. I make them, post a few things and then never return. This time i want it to be different. The aim of this blog is for me to break habits and become a better person by following different methods i research and discover.

A little bit about me. Im 19, in law school and love photography. I want to try and make the world a better place, but i realize  i cannot do this whilst hating my life and having to be drugged up on anti-depressants. There has to be another way to live my life and this is what i am trying to explore!